I hate Twitter!

I got Twitter hacked today. I don't even use it. I tweet something stupid maybe once every other month. No, I don't have an obvious password and no, I don't click on weird links from DM's.

Yet, 132 people that I follow got a direct message from me telling them if they're interested, they can get a gas card from [insert spam link here] followed by - and this is the worst part - "I got mine today and I'm *stoked*!!"

People won't stop talking about it and sending me emails about it, and at work our social media editor is sending out a company-wide email warning people about Twitter spam, using ME as an example.

Allow me to express my frustration and sadness via this puppy.

No, it's not throat pornography.

I just had my final vocal appointment today (YAY!) and I wanted to share my vocal nodule progress with you for the following reasons:

a.) I'm proud of it.
b.) I promised my doc and vocal therapist that I would blog these pictures.
c.) You think they look gross and that makes me giggle.
d.) Because c'mon, how cool is the inside of a body?

It's been a long journey my peeps! Lots of humming and phrasing and practice and rest and missing choir and missing yelling and missing singing loudly but you can see some progress and I promise you in a couple months it will be even better. Less bumpy. Whiter. Closer to normal.

Weirdify Your Wedding

Etsy is the eclectic bride's best friend. You can find all sorts of bizarre and random things to make your special day that much more special-er-- and unique. Heaven help you if your wedding is not unique, for then no one will remember it. If no one remembers it, there's no way you're going to get that automatic paper towel dispenser you registered for. That's just the rules.

Following are a few items I found whilst browsing this weekend:

1. Button Bouquet

There are lots of things I like about buttons. Buttons never die. Buttons don't make my eyes itch or my nose run. Post-wedding, I could use the buttons to fasten things. When's the last time you used a dying flower to do ANYTHING except teach you about the process of withering?

2. Tricked-out baby hats

I don't want any bare-headed babies at my wedding. Just like men 50 years their senior, they should be embarrassed by their lack of locks. Thankfully an Etsy vendor has recognized the need and created a whole line of fancy headbands and caps to slap on sleeping but pensive babies at weddings everywhere.

3. A cartoonish cake-topper

I'm not planning on having a wedding cake (I'll take a tower of French macarons, thankyouverymuch/ mercibeaucoup), but if I did have one this is what I would want to top it. The cartoonish vibe of the piece will tell my guests that I'm not quite ready to grow up, while the tortoise bride and grooms will act as a symbolic apology for how long our ceremony was.

4. Flask Favors

What better memento of how drunk you got on our wedding night than a flask that's artfully decorated with a souvenir bottle cap from the libation that re-introduced you to your dinner? These suckers go for $11.99 a pop (the cap adds an extra $4--hey! it was crafted!), so you better treasure it. When I come over in three years I want to see it featured prominently in your curio cabinet.

I love my dentist!

1. The office is conveniently located in my skyway at work. That way I can run full-speed through the halls when I realize I am extremely late.

2. They send me text reminders like 80 times leading up to my appointment which are essential to me actually ever showing up.

3. The staff sends out quarterly newsletters that detail the intricacies of each employee's personal life, as in who is taking yoga classes, who has children starting to drive, who is taking exotic vacations, etc., and they include photos of their staff picnic. Which is adorbs.

4. My dentist plays pranks on me. For example, I once had a cavity and he sat me down and very gravely explained that the only option to save my mouth was to install a grill over the front of my teeth. "We're going to need you to bling it up," he said. The nurse added that it has to be diamond-studded.

5. They just upgraded to this awesome prize pack after every appointment! For freesies!

Just look at that blushing bride!

I don't know if you've heard the news, but my fellow lady-pirate is officially betrothed! I think it's your job and mine, dearest pirate readers, to prepare her for her impending nuptials by offering her nothing but the finest choices in wedding wear. Let us take her on a visual tour of the possibilities, shall we?