The Chronic(what?)cles of Yarnia

So how many times have you walked into a yarn shop and been all, "Dude... if this orange alpaca had a shot of silvery thread through it it would be the BOMB"? All the time, right? Well today I discovered a veritable haven for fiber-philes that solves this very problem: Yarnia.

The walls of this smallish shop are lined with cone upon cone of single strands of cotton, alpaca, wool, acrylic, silk and blend yarns in every color you can imagine. The idea is that you combine multiple strands to achieve your desired color and thickness. The proprietor takes your chosen cones and hooks them individually into her windy machine, like so:







The machine combines all your threads together and winds them onto a new cone to create your custom yarn. To be 100 percent honest, the yarn I made is probably the best that shop has seen. The owner even told me I was "good at color." I always knew I should have gotten my degree in Color Studies...

I promise to post more pictures of the yarn and the finished product after it's presented to its intended owner (who will no doubt faint with delight).

By the way, the only other known shop of this kind is in Montreal. I'm not going to say it's another reason to come to Portland to visit me, but you know it is.

Sweaty nervous pits.

I had three very important meetings at work today - meetings I have been preparing for for weeks. As a result, I did something I rarely do: sweat profusely, specifically in the armpits. But I couldn't control it! The minute I walked into each meeting I was done for. It got so bad at one point that I had to switch shirts to let it air dry for a while.

Darn these blasted glands and their susceptibility to nervousness! Aren't women supposed to be dainty? You are not helping me be dainty, pits! And you turning my shirt into a dampfest is not cutting down on the nervousness!

Is this ironic yet?

The outrageous popularity of the "25 Things" note on Facebook has made participating so very tempting for this lemming, but I've heretofore resisted. Now that it's dying off (and being replaced with much more obnoxious chain questionnaires for couples and new mommies), can I get away with posting mine on this blog without seeming like a total dweeb? I guess I leave the answer up to you, dear readers.

1. As a child I liked to sit in the crab apple tree in my backyard with a bucket of crab apples and a book, thinking I was teaching myself to survive in the wilderness.
2. I also used to practice going up and down our creaky stairs without making a sound-- a skill I was convinced would save me if kidnappers ever entered the house.
3. When I went to China as a 10-year-old for a world conference on women, I repeatedly referred to presenter Betty Friedan as Betty Crocker. After reading The Feminine Mystique I now realize just how hilarious that was.
4. In fifth grade, after watching Clueless for the first time during spring break, I thought I would be able to negotiate my C+ in Life Science to a B when I returned to school.
5. In sixth grade, when glitter make-up was popular, I used one of the roll-on applicators (meant for lips and eyelids) to coat my entire face. My teacher, who had me go up to the projector to work a math problem, told me I was blinding her.
6. The same teacher gave me one of the sole disciplinary marks I ever received for using a bobby pin to pinch my nose shut.
7. In high school I often walked around with what I thought was a sorrowful look on my face so people would think I was experiencing depths of emotion they could never plumb. I later found out this scowl made people who didn't know me think I was a bitch.
8. I tried out for cheerleading as a freshman. It started off as a joke but then I really wanted to join. I still remember the routine they taught us. "East fans/In the stands/We wanna hear you yell!" Unfortunately, this white girl can't jump.
9. My brother and I had newspaper class together when I was a junior, and we liked to aggravate our adviser by playing with her creepy rabbit fur-covered kitten things. Once we hanged one from the projector screen pull. Another time we left it in a precarious dance with the paper cutter. Yet another time we kidnapped one and made a ransom note asking for cookies. I believe he still has one of them in his room at home.
10. The same brother and I spent most of our lives not getting along until midway through high school. Then we started singing songs like, "He is my brother and my brother is my friend/ she is my sister and my sister is my friend/ friend friend friend friend friend friend friend."
11. When I lived in the dorms I felt guilty every time I took the elevator from the dining hall in the basement to my room on the third floor. One time I got in and thought I would be able to take my clandestine ride up in solitude, but a guy squeezed in and pressed the "6." Feeling like a lazy jerk, when I departed the elevator I dragged my left leg behind me so he would think I was injured and unable to use the stairs.
12. I was so convinced that the landlords in my Minneapolis apartment were creepy enough to broadcast images from hidden cameras to a lewd website for monetary gain that one night I enlisted my roommates' help in removing all our vents so we could peer inside. The fact that we found nothing doesn't change my conviction.
13. I found out I had mono a week after smooching a guy I was sweet on. Trying to be a responsible citizen, I called to tell him and added that I knew he didn't have health insurance and would help him pay for the doctor bills if he did in fact have the disease. Some time later, he called me back and left the longest, most awkward, most epic message ever to explain that he wasn't sick. I rue the day I accidentally deleted it from my phone.
14. The best work days of my life were when a coworker brought a tent to the office and we edited from within it.
15. One of my boyf's favorite things to do is to startle me, which is a pretty easy feat and is usually rewarded with a scream. This summer I tried to scare him back by climbing in through the open bedroom window. All I got out of it was a pulled muscle.
16. It is impossible for me to exit my boss' office without bodyslamming into the door frame.
17. My mom has cheated at Scrabble since before we were old enough to know any better. I beat her for the first time this winter and don't feel the need to ever play her again. It was my greatest triumph.
18. I'm obsessed with checking the Google Analytics for this blog. The search terms people use to end up on the site are so random. This month, for example, people have landed on TP by searching "Teenuh M. Foster," "at least I know I'm alive," "campus + 'relieving herself'" and "stuttering dude can't escape from his girlfriends moms."
19. Since starting my current job, I think I've used more exclamation marks and smiley faces in emails than in all of my previous years of existence combined. Maybe this means I'm getting nicer.
20. I profess to like cooking, but I tend to swear up a storm and injure myself whilst in the process. I can't cut things uniformly and I rarely stray from the recipe. Maybe a better statement would be "I like eating."
21. I wake boyf up before I go to work every morning and won't leave until he tells me that I look pretty.
22. I used to tell people I decided to become a reporter because my middle name rhymes with "truth." That is a lie.
23. I get immense pleasure from mocking TV newscasters' voices.
24. I never want to live anywhere again that doesn't have a good mass transit system.
25. I'm sorely tempted to defriend dozens of people on Facebook, but the last time I defriended someone they confronted me and I had to pretend the site had malfunctioned. Someday I'll have the courage... the courage to only be friends with my friends. Sigh.

Love is so delicious

Would you behold that beauty? This is what the boyf gave me from Pix Patisserie (my favorite place in Portland, hands down) this afternoon. It is a heart-shaped puff pastry shell topped with something more delicious than whipped cream, fresh raspberries, rose-flavored macarons and a rose petal. It was filled with raspberry mousse with chunks of chocolate-covered pop rocks here and there. That's right-- one bite and my mouth literally exploded. Oh, and my camera failed to capture it, but this confection was also sprinkled with pink glitter.

Wuv. Twoo Wuv.

Wearing my shorts tan proudly.

As you may know, I am headed to Hawaii next week for vacation.

Were one of my friends not up for a role in the next Twilight movie, there would be three of us going. Alas, she made the final rounds of auditions, and thus I fear we will not have her in our company. Either way though, it is sure to be a good time…

Except for one thing. My shorts tan, still lingering majestically from last summer. Minus the old lady moles, it is not unlike this.

The contrast between the lasting once-burn-now-tan found on my lower legs and the bright white on my upper legs is stark, to say the least. The line between the two is shockingly accurate, as if I were wearing white boxer briefs. I would like to say my shorts tan and I will be showing up to the beaches of Hawaii unabashed, but I have to admit…I’m slightly concerned about it.

The way the sun will reflect off my legs is sure to blind unsuspecting beach tourists and make children scream in terror as they attempt to cover their eyes. The wind might even stop blowing. The waves might stop waving. The palm trees might stop softly rustling and the coconuts might stop, um, producing milk.

But I just can’t bring myself to go tanning in a tanning bed first. Never have, probably never will.

Zinc oxide, here I come!

Walking tacos and alligators.

First, let me just say the taco party was a rousing success. And it wasn't a regular taco party - no, sir. We served walking tacos, as described lovingly by local actor/comedian Bobby Gardner, who got his first taste of the stuff at our party:

Apparently I'm the only person on the planet who didn't know what these delectable gems were. Basically you open up a small bag of your favorite tortilla chips, crush up the chips, then add your meat, cheese, lettuce, salsa, etc., grab a fork and enjoy! How have I not heard of this? It combines my two passions: food and laziness. Kudos to the fat, lazy bastard that came up with the walking taco. I salute you!

And here is a visual if you are having trouble wrapping your head around this delicacy.


Second, I have to tell you about my dream last night. My two friends and I were in a lagoon. Except it wasn't a pretty one - it was all swampy and dangerous and the water was dark and opaque. My friend Conrad was disabled, so I was holding his head above water. The lagoon was shallow enough so that we could all wade through the water but Conrad's legs didn't work so I was holding him up from underneath his armpits and facing him forward so he could see. My friend Alan was wading next to us.

Then, all of a sudden, alligators started coming toward us, one by one. Alan loudly taunted them. Whenever I saw one coming toward us, I would wheel Conrad around to face the alligator, then he would slap the alligator's face with a fly swatter. Alan's taunting grew and he started beckoning the gators to come toward us: "C'MON ALLIGATORS!!! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?!!?" I continued to wheel Conrad around and he continued to lightly and repeatedly slap each one with the fly swatter until it ambled away.

Then I woke up.

Happy Thursday!

Best birthday EVER.

Ok so I haven't even had my walking taco party yet (you can bet your bippy I'll blog about that later) and it's already the best birthday ever. Will you just take a look at these presents?

From Roommate #1: Chocolate Eiffel Tower


From Roommate #2: Camelback Hydration System

Friend Jess: The world's largest chocolate kiss (someone's gotta give me a smooch on my birthday)


I also got a call during a meeting today from the front desk person that there was a bouquet of flowers waiting for me downstairs. As I excitedly brought them back up to my desk, a small crowd gathered wanting to know who my secret admirer was. Names and faces flashed through my head as I fantasized about who it could be. Then reality of the single life came crashing down as a giant "Love, Mom and Dad" card revealed itself.

Thanks parents!

Cutting the cord is tough.

It's my work BFF's last day tomorrow. This saddens me.

Yes, he was an intern in the same position for 15 months. Yes, he is a 33-year-old man with a master's degree. Yes, he is way too good for this job. No, he didn't even like his job anyway.

But who's going to have lunch with me now?

Nothing I could have done would have commemorated him with the respect and effort he really deserves, but I tried hard. I made him an 11 minute audio documentary, forcing everyone who has ever talked to him sing his praises. And sing they did. They sang like golden angels fluttering up to intern heaven.

If you would like to share this special moment with us, and laugh your patooty off in the process, please do enjoy.

Srinitastic.wav

I daresay this is the finest bit of work I have done, or really anyone has ever done, since, well, ever. To download, click "download now", wait exactly 40 seconds, then click "download" again and you will see why he will be missed! I can't believe he's leaving, and you won't be able to either. It's a sad, sad day.

**Note: special guest appearances from Barack Obama and Ira Glass.